Pleasure && Pain

Saturday, July 22, 2006

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TSK. so long nvr post. think ppl also dun come my blog ler. hahaha.

HMM. so much stuff in my head recently. and i can't like tell all of them to one person. spreading different probs to different ppl just seems wrong. so its all stuck in me.

ACTUALLY not much probs also lar. at least i'm quite happy with things as they are now. i believe that when god takes something from u, he'd give u sth back too. if not, he'll have his reasons. so yar. (:

AND i'm blessed with all the ppl ard me. yup. but just that starting to distance frm some ppl tt i used to be close to? it feels kinda weird at times. with all the vb, interact, cheerleading and minimal mugging, i start to question what will i gain at the end of these 2 yrs at vj. learning experience? i know i'd gain loads but is tt wat i want? actually im kinda weird, i prefer to put friends and relationships before achievements. but because other ppl dont i feel obliged to do otherwise. actually what i want to gain is just life-long friendships and good grades. but now it seems like im getting neither, if this continues.

DUNNO why im so sad over some stuff. im quite a slow learner at some stuff. but when i can do something, im not given the chances to. its like whats the point of being willing to train hard when nobody gives me the chance to? and i always find myself being cheated. all the false hopes. i hope i dont end up with nothing in the end. kejun said tt its the process rather than the result tt matters. but without the hope for results, there wouldn't be process right? who doesn't want their hardwork to pay off?

THINK im still quite immature and stuff. cos i always find myself feeling the urge to just cry and scream "its not fair" till my lungs burst. i know god has his reasons for everything that happens to me. but i cant help hating myself for being fat and flat, for having disgusting calves, for not being able to play vb well, for not being to do a cartwheel, for not having the chance to train hard, for not having the chance to fly, for being such a greedy pig, for being so big sized, for having ugly hair, for having dark eye circles, for being indecisive, for being so immature and for sucking at everything i do.

WHY everytime i feel indecisive and just need some advise people just tell me that i'm 17 and old enough to make my own decisions? i just cant, cos all my life i've been making all the wrong decisions that im too afraid of the consequences to just go ahead with my own decision.

SOMETIMES i really feel that im too weak for this world. im not gonna become stronger with all the trials and tribulations, im gonna collapse.

BUT im so glad i still have you. (:

BIRTHDAYS coming up. with all that planning on what to do and what surprises and all. i wonder what will happen on my birthday this yr? and i just realised i've never had a surprise because its a december thingy. guess it'd stay this way.

LAME GOR, im sorry for only updating now. i know u cant live without my blog entries. haha.

{ danced @ 11:25 PM )

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